Heya
@Highbank Bill, Thanks!
Just been bummed out at the myriad of things that just do not work out or pan out. Keep trying to do things to get myself out of it but my life seems to go this odd way, hardly at all. Can hardly get the world to react with me in a good way. Every time I try to make a good memory to push away the bad I just get more letdowns. It is like I almost really do not exist in this dimension. Others do things and get noticed or things to work out or someone to jump on their bandwagon, I try to do something and it is like I am screaming in Outer Space... No one can hear your scream. My life has been a near futile attempt at trying to have one...
What I do hardly matters and I feel extremely insignificant in this world. I am too often on the exact WRONG cog and almost never on the right one. Things can so easily do exactly what I did not want to happen at the perfect wrong timing. I have been such a man in a box... I have known enough about things for three or so worth of people but never have hardly been able to use it and shine and be the best me I can be....
Build it and they will come my friend would say, whom had his living room full of musical equipment, guitars, amps, drums and all and people came.
Unless it is I, I try and it is a silent echo back of Hello, hello hello? and Crickets. I have almost never been able to plan the littlest thing in life and actually have it work out somewhat.
Others put there are so weak they have 1 tenth go wrong and freak out and gotta take it out on others. I just keep trying to help others still to make them happy, which can make me happy, just need some input back from the world and life. If I were going to check out it would have been decades ago.
Don't have my own house, Wife , Kids, family or even my car how I really want it.
I am very lucky to have a roof to live under and what Family is left to help me out and I do all I can to help back and fix things.
I am very bored and lonely, it has been a near fruitless struggle.
But oh well, I have gotten used to it as much as I can but just need more positive energy to help me offset this.
I put a system together for Ziggy and was so stoked and wanted to go over all I did and extras I put on it and all but get about no response back. My life is so odd it makes it so so hard to have anything really make me happy.
Icould use a pat on the back once in awhile I admit, unlike some others who can pat themselves I feel like punching me out for not doing better. LOL. I do not have things I have worked for to show and be so proud of, the harder I tried, the more it went wrong.
I put a program I made on it I wanted feedback about and some MCO stuff I wanted him to try. I put as much of myself as I can into something I do for someone but getting very tired putting out and not getting much back but negative.
Words are extremely pale compared to the intensity of it all, my brain is constantly creating and won't stop but I hardly have a way to let it out into a reality it could have been.
I would need to plug into you for a second for one to get it if they have not experienced it. Don't want to torture someone though LOL.
A Family member(cousin I remember since little) is probably passing away and we have quite a mess as they did not do any preparation for such things, her husband Charlie had a stroke and can hardly speak so he cannot do much. She has a mess of bills and let insurance lapse, everything almost goes and is the most f'd up convoluted mess with our lives. when our Family as I saw it compared to some others really did what was needed. My Mom is a very good upstanding person and smart Lady and helps others sometimes too much, we fix others problems but usually no one there to help with ours. She became so Cal region Network Manager for GTE back before Verizon bout it out.
I am just upset and pissed at how pale my life has been compared to what I envisioned when growing up, I thought I could do more to make a good difference.
I thought it would kick in, I would get over my ADHD-ness and start being able to do things like others... Never happened. The more seriously I took things the harder the rules became.
And this feels like a drop in the bucket of explanation and all that goes oddly. Little words with a fraction of the intensity behind them.
I am trying to lift out of the muck. Been working on a LOT of different things. Jumping between computers, wood-working, electronics and just doing things that need doing around here that I can get done without causing another problem. I am pretty sad mostly, but I try to joke and make people laugh if and when I can.
Hope all are having as good a day and life as they can, stay well and watch out for idiots and crazy happenings.
I will get on the track later.
Peace!
